Today I will be sharing my AGP story. I wish it could be short but it's just not happening, but I'll try to keep it as short as possible. I've been researching AGP and looking at this sub for over a month now, and I'm glad I found some answers for what I'm dealing with.
I'm 24 (M), my earliest experience with AGP is this vivid memory of when I was child, no older than 8, I had my mom's shoes on. They were these white heels and my dad had this tent set up in a room. I was inside of the tent with my moms shoes on, naked, and dancing around. Basically moving my hips in a circle and shaking my privates. I was so young, idk what drove me to do this. I was always a mischievous child but I wasn't bad. My mom thought I was tho. Luckily no one caught me in this moment.
I was molested around 10, or 11 years old by a woman 5, 6 years older than me. I added this to show possible correlations to my agp.
My mom was abusive when I was younger, we rare see eye to eye on things. We do on practical matters tho. She was emotionally, physically and verbally abusive to both me and my dad. To the point where me dad left the house and he ended up marrying another woman. My mom and dad had a toxic relationship that I basically watched. I really felt like that anger and frustration she experienced in the relationship leaked out and she took it out on me. I remember one moment she thought I made a smart remark towards her and she tried to grab me by the shirt (hitting me face) and threw me on the couch and got on top of me. Another moment where I was replying to her and she couldn't hear what i said (she'd already had me frightened at this point so I talked low) and she got mad about that and grab my shirt and she slung me, causing me to basically do a forwards flip on to the other side of the couch and yelled in my face. I never fought back in these moments, so I have a lot of repressed anger within me that will never leave. It's my mom, so from a moral standpoint, I couldn't so anything but let her control me.
Now on to AGP. My 2nd experience with AGP was a few years ago in 2020 where I was smoking a lot and had a spiritual awakening, and I was reflecting on my life and where I was heading. One moment i reflected on was the time i experienced with ths guy in middle school. I kept thinking about it, this led to me asking questions if I was gay, but i still liked and was attracted to women. I was never that confident in my masculine image. I wanted more muscles, a better way of carrying myself with confidence, typical macho stuff. I started experimenting with my image and I took pictures of myself positioning my head, hips, lips and body in a more feminine manner. I'm a very expressing person in terms of personality, so posing and looking feminine made me gain confidence in my looks. My hair was also longer at the time and this turned me on. I started at the picture and I ended up masterbating to it and i felt so disgusted that I did that to myself. Eventually I got over it and that process repeated it self and I kept doing it.
I never desired to live as a woman and be one. I just wanted to be pretty, cute, attractive. I didnt feel that when I was masculine, but sometimes I do feel confident, especially when I shave my face. I hate when my beard grows back. I was never into playing traditional sports. I liked things from the gymnastic branch like tumbling, parkour and tricking. I was always skinny/slim my whole life and this led to confidence issues. It makes me think that's why I like me in a feminine look cause I'm so slim and everyone aspires to be that.
In terms of fantasies and sexuality, it fluctuates. After years of denying my sexual attraction for guys, I've accepted after the awakening. But I'm only really into feminine guys, idc for masculinity. It's funny cause I aspire to be that masculine figure but I'm not attracted to it. My fantasies involve me being in a relationship with an understanding woman allowing me to express my femininity freely without judgment, and even feminizing me with occasional sadistic kinks. I do fantasize about being about being effe'd by the big strong macho man, but those have been recently happening and those aren't my preferences. It has something to do with playing the feminine roll and acting it out. This isn't something I want to indulge in , I'm into trans women, femboys and cis women so I'd rather let them do it. Maybe even a feminine guy but even that's a maybe. I'm still strongly attached to my masculinity and I want to develop it for the sake of my well being and protection of myself.
If I were free to do as I please, I would like a be a gender fluid ish androgynous Male. Idc to transition. I dont want to be a sissy. I want to able to synchronize both masculine and feminine qualities. Characteristically and image wise. Conan Gray is a big inspiration for this goal.
I encourage any of you who deal with this condition to watch "The Danish Girl". Its a beautifully sad movie and it has made me think about AGP/sexuality more and it drove me to make this post and share my story. At this moment I am vulnerable and open to any analysis of my story. Thank you for reading."
